Russia

White House staff make final preparations for Trump to live-tweet Comey testimony

White House staff make final preparations for Trump to live-tweet Comey testimony
White House staffers have been working tirelessly this week to ensure President Trump’s ability to live-tweet during James Comey’s Senate¬†testimony tomorrow is unimpaired.Explaining his absence from Monday’s press briefing, Sean Spicer said, “Monday’s brainstorming session produced a solution which enables the President to stay hydrated while tweeting, and I think Mike’s prototype does just that. Today’s press briefing will be canceled as Sarah and I build the production version for tomorrow’s hearing.”
Russia

Kushner reprogrammed following secret communications channel error

Kushner reprogrammed following secret communications channel error
Trump administration cyborg Jared Kushner was sent back to Washington early after accompanying the President on his overseas. During a standard debugging exercise, Kushner 1.0 was found to have a software malfunction which resulted in the request for a secret communications channel between the Trump transition team and the Kremlin.Trump’s automation unit announced that Kushner will be out of action for most of the week as they upgrade Kushner’s core NGM, or “nice guy module” which is designed to overcome any and all wrongdoing by Trump’s Russian-built automaton.”We’re trying to add some life to Kushner 3.0’s eyes and it will have a limited ability to speak to non-Russians, but frankly, that’s a long way off”, a member of the software development team added.  
Russia

Trump campaign scrambles to lawyer-up

Trump campaign scrambles to lawyer-up
President Trump flatly denied Thursday during a joint press conference with Colombian President Juan Manual Santos that he had colluded with Russia, however, he refused to deny a link between Russia and his campaign staff.”There is no collusion between certainly myself and my campaign, but I can always speak for myself and the Russians – zero. I think it divides the country,” the president said. “I think we have a very divided country because of that and many other things. So I can tell you that we want to¬† bring this great country of ours together.”D.C. law firms were overrun with calls yesterday evening, causing some staffers to reach out to less reputable firms to deal with the legal turmoil ahead.Through all of this, the words of Saul Goodman himself can be heard echoing through the White House, “Some people are immune to good advice”.
Russia

Trumptanic takes on water following collision with Comey memo stack

Trumptanic takes on water following collision with Comey memo stack
The RMS Trumptanic, whose maiden voyage has been troubled by choppy seas of late, yesterday struck a stack of James Comey’s memos and began taking on water. Onboard, House Speaker Ryan could be heard screaming, “…but her emails…”, as the crippled vessel, once thought unsinkable, began its descent into the icy waters of American history.When asked about the Comey’s memo, first mate Spicer’s final words were, “I think the memo speaks for itself.”