Teen Trump fans go wild as President begins Greatest Hits tour

Teen Trump fans go wild as President begins Greatest Hits tour

President Trump began his nationwide “Campaign Greatest Hits” tour last night in front of a packed crowd of over 350,000* excited boy scouts in West Virginia. They came to hear the hits, and they weren’t disappointed as launched into “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet”.The boys booed along to “Obama Blues” before Trump was joined by special guest Tom Price for an extended healthcare jam. Trump went through his full repertoire of well-worn hits: Fake News, Comey, Hillary, Russia and Podesta.The energy was incredible from the adoring “youth”, even though at times it was clear they had no idea what Trump was saying or why they were cheering. It just seemed like the “right” thing to do.* Figures provided by the Trump campaign.

Trump washes away Scaramucci’s sins at Potomac baptism

Trump washes away Scaramucci’s sins at Potomac baptism

President Trump welcomed Anthony Scaramucci to the White House yesterday following his baptism by Trump in the Potomac. Scaramucci emerged from the water, his hair still perfectly coiffured, proclaiming unconditional love for Trump. With his sinful life behind him, Scaramucci immediately deleted his old tweets and was born again.Trump had cleansed Scarmucci of the evil temptation of strong gun-control, of Hilary as a competent human being, of Islam as a peaceful religion and of Trump as a hack.With his mind now clear of distractions, and his assimilation into Trumpism complete, Scaramucci, Trump’s newest evangelist, headed to the White House to spread the word of his savior.

Anthony Scaramucci’s business card seals the deal

Anthony Scaramucci’s business card seals the deal

The moment Anthony Scaramucci presented his business card to President Trump, the deal was a good as done. Sean Spicer was on his way out, with Mr. Smooth installed as White House communications director.Scaramucci checks all the boxes for Trump: Goldman Sachs background, ties to Russia, Wall Street insider, enormous amounts of hair product, prepared to say anything and most importantly, in love with himself and the President. Truly a match made in heaven.

Trump blames press for “Celebrity American Baking Show” failure

Trump blames press for “Celebrity American Baking Show” failure

President Trump yesterday was forced to pull out of new reality series, “Celebrity American Baking Show” when the consistency of his chocolate chip cookie dough proved too much for the White House cookie press. Trump had earlier wowed judges with his lemon souffle, but his failure in the cookie challenge meant he was forced to leave the show after only two rounds.White House spokeswoman, and occasional pastry chef Sarah Huckabee Sanders released a brief statement from the President, “Once again I have been treated very unfairly by the press. It was purchased during the Obama administration in one of the worst deals this White House has ever seen. The failure of the press was the only reason I had to leave the show.”