Russia

Everyone here is talking about John Podesta

Everyone here is talking about John Podesta

President Trump issued a ridiculous tweet this morning, stating, “Everyone here is talking about why John Podesta refused to give the DNC server to the FBI and the CIA. Disgraceful!”A huge backlash began on Twitter accusing the President of lying, but in the reality that is the President’s brain, every one of those tiny voices reinforce the paranoia every night.

Russia

Putin makes final preparations for Trump handshake

Putin makes final preparations for Trump handshake

Vladimir Putin has spent weeks perfecting his approach to the infamous Trump handshake. Many world leaders have been let down by Trump’s opening move, with only Emmanuel Macron showing that he was equal to the task. Putin knows that this initial gesture will set the tone for their meeting and failure is not an option.Speaking through an interpreter, Putin explained his foolproof strategy, “Preparation is key. The difficulty we had was finding an adult male with such tiny hands, but we found a teenaged judo student to help. Other leaders have failed to take hand size into account resulting in a loss of focus during those first seconds of contact. My plan is to bypass the handshake completely, instead, locking his arm, grabbing his jacket and finishing with a body slam.”Putin added, “Studying video of Trump attacking the man with the CNN logo stuck to his face also helped me perfect my footwork to avoid a preemptive Trump-slam.”

General Craziness

Trump welcomes new communications director to the White House

Trump welcomes new communications director to the White House

President Trump unveiled his new communications director on Friday, and it didn’t take long for Barron Trump to hit the ground running. Barron helped his dad craft a wide variety of tweets on Saturday before surprising him with an animated gif on Sunday morning, to the President’s delight.Sean Spicer talked to reporters yesterday afternoon, “It’s such a relief having Barron onboard to lead the communications team. We’re delighted that he’s been able to make an immediate impact by adding memes to the President’s repertoire.”Since the removal of Mike Dubke back in May, President Trump has been actively seeking a communications director who shares his values and possesses basic Photoshop skills. It’s understood that Barron will take the maximum allowable salary of $180,000, with Spicer, Conway, and Huckabee Sanders reporting to him directly.”

General Craziness

Trump prepares carefully worded apology to Mika Brzezinski

Trump prepares carefully worded apology to Mika Brzezinski

Donald Trump spent Thursday evening reflecting on the backlash to yesterday’s early-morning tweet aimed at Morning Joe host Mika Brzezinski. Regulars at his usual Washington hang-out described Trump as loud and boorish, even before he’d touched his Bloody Mary. Female customers complained that Trump always tries to compliment them on their smile before trying to grab them.Barman Josh Kirkland has become all too familiar with Trump’s routine. “Usually after a long day of tweeting, Trump will come in alone. I’ve never seen him with a group of friends. He seems like a sad, lonely guy. I don’t think he’s married. My problem is that I never know when to cut him off because he acts like a drunken ass from the moment he walks in. Oh, and he never leaves a tip.”