Foreign Affairs

Trump clarifies, “There are a lot of killers”, comment

In tonight’s interview with Bill O’Reilly, President Trump responded to O’Reilly’s statement that Vladimir Putin is a killer, by stating, “There are a lot of killers. You think our country’s so innocent?”

 

Under pressure to clarify his comments, he reluctantly admitted that he was referring to GOP senators preparing to repeal the ACA without a replacement program, a move which Sen. Bernie Sanders has estimated will claim the lives of 36,000 Americans.

 

 

Education

Ivy League colleges disown Wharton School of Business

Donald Trump tonight revealed his fundamental lack of knowledge of the American judicial system, stating, “What is our country coming to when a judge can halt a Homeland Security travel ban and anyone, even with bad intentions, can come into U.S.?”

Ivy League colleges worked quickly to prepare a joint statement disowning the Wharton School of Business as just another for-profit University, no different from the President’s own Trump University.

 

 

Immigration

So-called President vows to overturn travel-ban ruling

At his confirmation hearing, Judge James Robart stated that he would treat everyone in his courtroom with “dignity and respect”. President Trump, who expressed unfamiliarity with those words, referred to Robart as a “so-called” judge, whose decision was “ridiculous”. The DHS immediately ignored so-called President Trump’s tweets and began to overturn the ban.

 

 

Kellyanne

Kellyanne Conway dispenses with alternative facts

Former pollster Kellyanne Conway changed her strategy today when polls revealed the “alternative facts” approach was not working as planned. Citing the President, she has decided to go nuclear, which in layman’s terms means, “flat out lie”.

 

In other news, the House voted to strike a rule banning guns for some deemed mentally impaired. Conway cheered the move, adding, “I’ll feel much safer now, knowing that I’ll be able to protect myself”.