General Craziness

Tillerson addresses State employees with obscure quote

Rex Tillerson surprised State Department employees this morning with opening remarks containing an obscure quote from 2007’s “There Will Be Blood”, starring Daniel Day-Lewis as oil-prospector, Daniel Plainview. Tillerson stated, “There’s a whole ocean of oil under our feet! No one can get at it except for me!”. He did not elaborate on this quote or discuss ethics concerns regarding his exit for Exxon-Mobil.



National Security

Trump’s “Go nuclear” comment causes widespread panic

Donald Trump caused panic this morning when asked about his thoughts on the nuclear option. Staffers quickly worked to clarify that his “go for it” comment was aimed at Mitch McConnell, and NOT new defense secretary James Mattis.



General Craziness

DHS Chief: The Pope is not a Catholic

In defending Trump’s travel plan as “not a ban on Muslims”, DHS chief John Kelly went on to take a swipe at Pope Francis, claiming “He is not a catholic”, as well as dismissing the National Park Service’s assertions that bears do actually s**t in the woods.



General Craziness

Huge crowds gather for Trump Supreme Court announcement

“It’s a beautiful thing.”, stated Trump, “Ever since I announced that we’d chosen tonight’s prime-time TV slot to pick our Supreme Court nominee, we’ve started to see huge crowds gather around TV screens across the nation. People are coming together for this momentous event. I love the fact that our wonderful citizens are making use of large gathering spaces, like airport terminals, to witness this announcement surrounded by friends and family”.

Sean Spicer added that the administration were expecting US TV viewership to be in the region of 500-600 million for tonight’s announcement, adding, “It’s unfortunate that we’re up against new NBC show “The Wall”, which may hit our numbers with people switching over expecting to see our new border security plan”.