Hearing that Hurricane Irma is the biggest storm ever recorded and is likely to cause massive destruction across the Caribbean and Florida, President Trump signed an emergency executive order this morning renaming the storm to Hurricane Donald.Sarah Huckabee Sanders stated that “The President felt much happier having his name attached to something capable of causing devastation to the lives of millions”
A newly published transcript of the phone call between the US president and the Australian prime minister shows the pair discussing a deal made under the Obama administration to resettle to the US more than 1,000 refugees currently held in Australia’s offshore detention centers.Trump was unhappy, “I hate taking these people. I guarantee you they are bad. That is why they are in prison right now. They are not going to be wonderful people who go on to work for the local milk people.”Those wonderful refugees who have successfully assimilated to become local milk people took to the streets to celebrate, after finally being acknowledged by the President.Stephen Miller was quick to clarify Trump’s comments though, adding, “While we do appreciate the hard working local milk people, there is no place in this country for chocolate milk.”
Anthony Scaramucci was escorted from the White House yesterday before returning to his own time, 1987. Sarah Huckabee Sanders made a brief statement from the White House press room, “Anthony has returned to a time where greed was good and generous amounts of hair product were the norm. We wish him well and hope that he makes lots of money”.Scaramucci, having failed epically to become Trump’s BFF, is rumored to have insider stock information on Bluestar Airlines which he intends to present to boyhood hero, Gordon Gekko.
So ends one of the longest weeks in political history. A week in which Anthony Scaramucci quickly transitioned from smooth to coarse, making some interesting observations about fellow White House staff in a profanity-laced New York Times interview, especially regarding yoga-loving Steve Bannon.News broke late in the week that Scaramucci’s wife had filed for divorce, citing Donald Trump as the other party after Scaramucci proclaimed undying love for the President just a week earlier.With his personal life in tatters, Scaramucci finally turned to Bannon for advice. “Steve calls this position ‘the fandango’. I’m still not sure how he does it”, a source inside the White House quoted Scaramucci as saying, “After a week of trying, this is a close as I can get, but Steve’s promised to act as my personal trainer until one of us gets fired”.